It is so refreshing to feel the immense care of someone; when someone knows immediately when something’s wrong, when someone clings to you as much as you cling to them, or when you know for sure that no matter what happens, they will never hurt you and leave you. The proof of this comes from how it has already happened several times- I’ve hurt you so much over things that had to be done, and given a couple hours, you always come back as my best friend. Most people would abandon me to lick their wounds and move on, but not you. You mean it to your heart that you will be here for me and that’s hard to do. It’s so rare for someone to actually say that and mean it.
My team, ohhh, my team!
Savaged first day of Regionals. Took only one sub, gotta let my ladies rest up so they don’t burn down.
Captains: Janelle and I.
June 21 2014
Work. Cody. Meet William. Broken. Torn> Shattered. Chase after him. Cry. SF, Louis, and Crystal come over. McFlurry. Alcohol. Thank you, friends. GOT with Linden.
June 22 2014
Work night shift. Walk to William’s. Drop off KFC. Chill at Mac’s. Walk to Gilbert and Williams Rd. Roll ankle. Sit for an hour, on phone. Cute cop drives me to William’s. Mrs. Xu drives me home. GOT with Linden.
June 23 2014
Panda guys practice. RPM bbt. Discuss Burnett coaching with Alex, Linden, and Louis. Home. Make and cancel plans with Gary for pho. Make plans for Transformers. Talk to Natalie. Skype Linden. GOT and guitar. Make plans to learn guitar.
I have come to terms with everything and every possibility.
June 20 2014
10 33pm thoughts
What do you do when every muscle in your body is straining and stretching towards the sun, your skin mutilated by rays of warmth? How do you express the regret and desire in your eyes to those who assume happiness? I can feel my joints and ligaments deteriorating, my skin drooping, my toes curdling, and my face sinking. Everything is pale in comparison to you.
Everything is vibrant with you.
June 19th 2014.
Pandamonium practice went smoothly. I am no longer tired out at all. I got a nice, sweet, sweet, sweet turf burn along my thigh. My ankles are fucked up. Went to Haroo with Vickers. I’m glad we got everything sorted out so that we can still be friends. I wonder if we will meet every month just to catch up and stuff. It rained very hard. I walked my way home, cry with the rain. I drank a lot. Linden and I went to McDonalds for some food so that I could actually eat. He got my mind off of things, but only for moments at a time. What is William doing? Does he hate me? Does he like me? Does he love me? How can I express my love for him? Will he believe me?
June 20 2014.
Just eat ice cream and cry. Drink some alcohol and watch Game of Thrones first season. Remember. Reminisce. Crave. Do a practice provincial maybe.
There is something about the scars
That line my forearm
And trace my wrist’s nets of veins.
Maybe, like a palm reading, they can direct my life. If I make more marks, will they ever change it for the better? Will my life swell and redden as they do, or will it drive towards legacy and immortality as scars?
June 18 2014
Had a solemn day. Got my second book of the summer. Pandamonium practice for guys, I worked on my flick and threw most of the time. Headed to Qoola. Hung out for a while. Saw Jason L. I broke down thereafter. I cried. I couldn’t take it. Alex calmed me down, talked to me extensively and I worked it out.
We went to Alex’s to shoot guns. It was nice. Crystals feet hurt, so I wore her heels and she used my flip flops.
Driven back by Alex, and now I feel like starting my readings. I need to study up on improving myself. I’ll listen to good EDM while I shower, read a few Red Pill posts, record my reflections, make some food, sleep by 2.
I need to be happy. I need to use this time wisely and efficiently. If I want William back, I will work for it. Nobody can tell me that I am too shit for him. I can improve, I have improved, and I will continue to improve.
In regards to Linden, people need to fuck off. We are friends, we click and are in great sync, and he has become one of my best friends. He supports whatever decisions I make and understands that I still love William. He is not the homewrecker people are claiming him to be. He has done nothing but try to make sure I’m okay, and I have decided to work on myself, anyway.
This will work. I miss him.
June 17 2014
/Pandamonium girls practice. RPM with Louis, Linden, Derrick, SiuFung, Crystal. Espot for darts, sticky pics, and the punching bag, which SF highscored twice on. Pho An Nam with Derrick, Louis, and Crystal. William and I broke up.
June 18 2014
/All I want to do is sleep. Plagued dreams wake me up crying, and I know that this was inevitable. If we had stayed together, tensions and frustrations would only further tear us apart. Separating now at least offers a jumpstart to improve ourselves. I know how, and I have a method.
But, I will be heading out with some of the Panda ladies to throw at Minoru.
There isn’t much for me to say.
June 15 2014
/Did nothing all day. Went out with Darius and Linden for Alleluia.
June 16 2014
/Ultimate. Pandamonium males. Had fun, got to train and get fit. Went to Mcdonalds with Preston, Linden, Louis, Dillon, Paolo, and Edward. Im gross and sweaty. It feels good. I feel whole again, even if its just for another half hour, until it wears off.
I’m not depressed again, am I? I think people are just scared that I’ll kill myself. People can’t live with that kind of guilt, yet they aren’t always imposed to say anything, either. I’m sad because I do not know where William and I are headed. His mother texted me. I am guilt tripped, and everything is harder than it should be.
I want to cry all the time, now. Everytime I look into someone’s eyes, I feel like I’m about to cry. Everytime I think about the situation, I want to cry, but I can’t. I feel like every conversation ends in a fight, and with that, I lose more and more of my feelings. Then, I disappear into Ultimate, books, friends,… This is not healthy. I have no one, because no one knows everything. No one knows exactly what I should do.
Someone just tell me to do something. I can’t deal with this drama any longer. It’s too poisonous, too painful.
It’s been a full year and a day since William and I first started our relationship. What a year, what a decade, it’s been; how I’ve grown and matured through various milestones, some more prevalent than others:
I think that joining cadet was one of the first times I grew up. Learning and knowing that I hated being there, I adapted and changed things so that I enjoyed it. It’s a skill I need to carry through life.
Another one that comes to mind is my valedictorian speech from grade 7. Looking into my brother’s eyes from afar as he videotaped me speaking, I remember how I felt and how he must have felt. I’ll always love my brother and sister, even though we’ve all grown apart. I grew up that day, knowing that I couldn’t be babied as an elementary school student. I slowly began to appreciate my literate and writing skills. I realized that you don’t have to be popular to succeed - after all, it was a unanimous vote for me being one of the class valedictorians. I take pride in that.
Cadets - a milestone, year after year, for all of the accomplishments and experiences had. I’m proud of how much I grew in those years. It makes me tear up when I remember, at the Gunnery Chaining Ceremony, Johnson Fong (who I admire) telling me that he wanted to chain me. And that he was proud of me. That I’ve come so far; “from being quiet and shy… to this.”
Quitting cadets was another; I braved up and realized what situation I was in. I quit for myself, because I cannot gain nor give more to them. I can only yearn for how I used to feel. But it’s a cult; cadets swallows you up and it will guilt you into returning. I escaped that with an optimal amount of benefit.
I’ve become a better person in the long run, and I am still working at it.
Things can change, and I’m glad I’ve done what I’ve done.
I have decided things that will occur. There is no doubt about it. Maybe I will regret it later, but in my clear head as of now, I know that some people have deep seeded personalities; now that I see the traits, I am all for neutrality and nothing more. I need to keep myself reserved for the better.
The air tastes bland with you in my life. I feel as though the anticipation I once carried in my heart has dissipated through my heart strings. As swirls of molecules, of atoms, I can feel the happiness in my life seeping ever so quietly out, in to the wide, open air, where it is not only free, but lonely.
And heaven knows there is enough loneliness in the world, in each rusting heart we hold.
I did not make the right decisions, but I will stick with the outcome and consequences because if I didn’t, who would I be, then? Satisfaction and greed more often than not are side by side, and by God, I cannot emphasize my dissatisfaction enough. Although, when I was satisfied - when I was greedy - when I was happy - when I was entirely taken by the flow of life, I was still asking for too much. I am no longer entirely to myself, and that disappoints me. I gave myself away, each wrangled limb on my brittle body. I have no true desires, for I have tasted them in my past, and I feel the failures that come to it. I am not allowed them, because others will not be glorified at the same time. Remember the traces of my past - I lost, was loved, and made another suffer. Reminisce in regret, put others in front of yourself. What happened to that? I play only so barely to the edge of the idea, when I should be completely indulged by it. I should be in the God damned center of the thought, enveloped by the servitude I proclaim to be an ultimatum. Of what? Of punishment, perhaps. Maybe I’m just punishing myself. This pain, this aching tear that widens with each second I spend immersed in the words - it feels all too real to not be a punishment I put upon myself. By God, I cannot feel the righteousness of what is supposed to be - but the yearn for what was. What was, even? Nothing more than memories and wishes gone to waste, good intentions and terrible executions, ones that tore others apart, one that destroyed me from the very start. Which do I miss more?
I can only replay the memory of our hazy afternoon,
The one where you turned to me with sleepy eyes and craned your neck to kiss my cheek. I smiled and held you even closer to me. If I could spend every morning, every time I woke up, like that,
Then I wouldn’t mind waking up at any hour.
You have taken to calling me beautiful whenever the term arises, and I can’t help but remember when Ryan once joked that you were supposed to call me beautiful after I walked away. This was much earlier in our relationship, at the very break of acknowledgement, and you turned to them seriously to state your position in belief. Do you love me? It almost felt as if for every time you asked to hold me wherever I pleased, every time you followed the tips of my fingers to the door, you held me in a way that asked me to tell you that I loved you. But I do not love you by your definition, and you have made that clear. I have always clarified my own resignation of love.
I dreamt that one of your friends sent you a text that went to a great length explaining how happy you seemed, and how much you seemed to care for me. I wonder what people have said, what they have thought, to each other. I’m glad your friends have accepted me and don’t mind including me in the group. I’m quite flustered, in fact.