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11/10/14

Turkey Tourney @ Winona with Black Cluck Down. Had free physio and a painful calf and hip massage. My everything is so done. This huge guy cleated my other toe. Will I ever have toe nails again? 

Turns out that the girl from Babes N Hats who clotheslined me during the game was at the Turkey Tourney today. We’re also in the same program @ UBC. Small world, small life.


Pho An Nam for the soul.

Riverport Cinemas to meet with the Dental Hygiene gang + 3 random friends for The Mazerunner. Such a great movie! <3 <3

Night Market for discounted food and good talks.

I like my program. I like these people.

Today was a good day and I am grateful.



"This leaves men confused and unable to pigeonhole you. What they are forced to do instead is… take you seriously."

(Source: un-usuall-m3mory-x3, via tinytsunamis)

I went out with Jade and Travis today. We went to Woe Ja Jib for Korean hotpot, then headed to the nightmarket. I got them in for free with the vendor’s pass, and then Linden helped me get them in to the WaterWalkers for free, since he was supervisor. We walked around, got discounted and free food (they were really surprised at how I just walked into the crowd of people at the Rotato stand and came out with one 30 seconds later). 

I love my sister. I’m so glad that she’s happy with Travis. I like Travis more than Jake, with how much more open he is. I’m glad she’s okay. I’m so glad.

I want to shut down all of my emotions forever; never to deal with the stresses and emotional trauma of life. I don’t want to face the heartbreak I felt with William ever again and I swear it broke me more than I thought it did, which is incredulous in itself. 

Many praise me for my strength, they compliment my independence, and then there’s my lack of enthusiasm for life: I have a plan, I have an idea of what to do, but will I experience anything else but pain and success? Will I even see success? 

Ever since he left me, I’ve felt colder than ever. I feel ugly all the time, I feel distressed and worn out. I’m exhausted from loving ever again and I don’t want to. Not after him, not after what I know may occur if love goes wrong, and it certainly almost always does. 

I’m sick. 

I wish I had someone to take care of me. Mother went to HK. I’m alone, so tired, so busy.

Day after day, I wake up at the break of dawn (and with winter approaching, it’ll be well before dawn) to commute to UBC for my 8 am classes. I feel alone and very sad now, with how often I think of certain people, and how I wish my life could be different. But different how? I really don’t know, and that’s the problem. I like how things are, but I feel so empty with my choices and my decisions. I feel so cold with my ideals and needs. I’ve got warm hands, but a colder heart since the last time I loved. 

I hate myself today. I feel ugly all the time, I feel stupid, I feel like I want to die again. I slathered make up on myself and I still feel ugly. I want to feel pretty. I’ve just been trudging along without you, and I convince myself that I’m okay, from time to time. I’m unattached, unloved, unhappy; life goes on and I don’t bother picking up the small things, anymore. 

There’s no point, is there? No matter how good I get, I’ll never be enough. My dreams are simply crushed because although they do not depend on you, they include you. Every single one of them.

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today at ultimate scrim
nathan threw a bad throw to my far right, which i bid for. i didn&#8217;t see the metal box implanted in the ground and so i stubbed my big toe (cracked the nail and it bled), then proceeded to tumble and fall against the turf/green rubber/metal railing. i now i have a burn on my knee, thigh, forearm, and hand. i&#8217;m so broken and worn down. but i love ultimate. it&#8217;s my lifestyle, now.

today at ultimate scrim

nathan threw a bad throw to my far right, which i bid for. i didn’t see the metal box implanted in the ground and so i stubbed my big toe (cracked the nail and it bled), then proceeded to tumble and fall against the turf/green rubber/metal railing. i now i have a burn on my knee, thigh, forearm, and hand. 

i’m so broken and worn down. 
but i love ultimate. it’s my lifestyle, now.

last time playing ultimate in a junior ultimate team, ever again. mini nats aug 24th 2014. batfish team.we won two games straight, and then the third one, we lost. i scored a lot and played well. during that third game, however, a girl hucked a disc right into my face. i d&#8217;ed a disc with my face, guys. and i heard janelle burst out into laughter for like 30 seconds and i was in so much pain but i was laughing so hard too because i thought it was hilarious. thereafter, my game was terrible, as i couldn&#8217;t run straight and my eyesight was off.sooo maybe i have a concussion again because of how my eyesight/head hurts and how turning it hurts, etc&#8230; both my ankles are 80 to 100% done, and i think i&#8217;m about to lose another toenail.all the summer scars and turf burns are worth. i&#8217;m so glad.

last time playing ultimate in a junior ultimate team, ever again. 
mini nats aug 24th 2014. batfish team.
we won two games straight, and then the third one, we lost. i scored a lot and played well. 
during that third game, however, a girl hucked a disc right into my face. i d’ed a disc with my face, guys. and i heard janelle burst out into laughter for like 30 seconds and i was in so much pain but i was laughing so hard too because i thought it was hilarious. thereafter, my game was terrible, as i couldn’t run straight and my eyesight was off.

sooo maybe i have a concussion again because of how my eyesight/head hurts and how turning it hurts, etc… both my ankles are 80 to 100% done, and i think i’m about to lose another toenail.

all the summer scars and turf burns are worth. 
i’m so glad.

Ultimate was fun. Work was good. I smell so bad. Big Chef with Travis, Jade, and my mother. 

Shah’s making me work for Saturday. I RDO’d, and discussed with him twice about how I would work more for weekdays, and would need this weekend off. 

I guess that’s a huge good bye to half the day of my last fucking BC Junior Ultimate tournament ever, as well as to the UBC IB Party. 

Well, fuck.

Life is being good to me. I have wonderful friends, I love my best friends so much; I screamed, ran, and jumped Janelle the moment I saw her. I spent dinner with good company for almost every dinner of the summer. I am employed at two locations, and am in love with Ultimate and Orson Scott Card. I spend my days without worries; I don’t need to worry that someone is going to be mad at me for doing something they didn’t want me to do, because those people aren’t in my life, anymore. 

I feel like right now, I’m honestly living my life the way I want to, the way that makes me happy every day, and it’s chilling. It’s so hard to do it, but once you do, it’s wonderful.

Had Kevin and Linden over for a movie night. We watched Stitch the Movie, played with sparklers at Brighouse, and drank plenty. They’re so fucking weak with their alcohol. I thought I was a lightweight… but nope, Linden backed out pretty early, and Kevin threw up from being so done with the drinking games he and I were playing. Shhhhots are nice. Apparently had feelsy talks? The guys passed out first; I kept taking shots until I slept, and then we all woke up to watch Maleficent. Kevin was still in his sleeping bag while we watched, and Linden decided to ditch and nap in my bed because he has practice today, since Maleficent’s a pretty loud movie. 

I should have people over at my house more often. 

It was a good day. I did good things. I had a good time.

Full meal and granola bars for a homeless and mentally disabled man.
Free Cobs’ Bread courtesy of Kevin Chiu.
Breaking Bad reruns.
Stepho’s with Kevin and Linden.
PriceSmart for Strawberry Shortcake Sundae.
Dark Park for ice cream and good talks.

Life is good and fair and finally, finally, finally, I’m so happy.

If I have learned anything from William, it is that I can be a reasonable and strong person. He did not believe so at the end, and I am more okay about that, now. I only wish I could have been who I am right now to him when it counted.

People move on, of course, and we learn so much in that process. We rediscover who we are and we treasure our friendships. Sometimes, I think about killing myself. Sometimes, friends’ concerns just make me want to die. I know how people see me. It gives me pride to know how some look up to me. It boosts my ego, and for those fleeting moments, I become as ideal of a person as I wanted.

I wish people would stop talking about Linden and I. It gets so awkward. We’re just best friends. People suck.

Is it possible to be as good and strong of a person I want to be, while self harming? Do they detract from each other?