I’m sick. 

I wish I had someone to take care of me. Mother went to HK. I’m alone, so tired, so busy.

Day after day, I wake up at the break of dawn (and with winter approaching, it’ll be well before dawn) to commute to UBC for my 8 am classes. I feel alone and very sad now, with how often I think of certain people, and how I wish my life could be different. But different how? I really don’t know, and that’s the problem. I like how things are, but I feel so empty with my choices and my decisions. I feel so cold with my ideals and needs. I’ve got warm hands, but a colder heart since the last time I loved. 

I hate myself today. I feel ugly all the time, I feel stupid, I feel like I want to die again. I slathered make up on myself and I still feel ugly. I want to feel pretty. I’ve just been trudging along without you, and I convince myself that I’m okay, from time to time. I’m unattached, unloved, unhappy; life goes on and I don’t bother picking up the small things, anymore. 

There’s no point, is there? No matter how good I get, I’ll never be enough. My dreams are simply crushed because although they do not depend on you, they include you. Every single one of them.

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today at ultimate scrim
nathan threw a bad throw to my far right, which i bid for. i didn’t see the metal box implanted in the ground and so i stubbed my big toe (cracked the nail and it bled), then proceeded to tumble and fall against the turf/green rubber/metal railing. i now i have a burn on my knee, thigh, forearm, and hand. i’m so broken and worn down. but i love ultimate. it’s my lifestyle, now.

today at ultimate scrim

nathan threw a bad throw to my far right, which i bid for. i didn’t see the metal box implanted in the ground and so i stubbed my big toe (cracked the nail and it bled), then proceeded to tumble and fall against the turf/green rubber/metal railing. i now i have a burn on my knee, thigh, forearm, and hand. 

i’m so broken and worn down. 
but i love ultimate. it’s my lifestyle, now.

last time playing ultimate in a junior ultimate team, ever again. mini nats aug 24th 2014. batfish team.we won two games straight, and then the third one, we lost. i scored a lot and played well. during that third game, however, a girl hucked a disc right into my face. i d’ed a disc with my face, guys. and i heard janelle burst out into laughter for like 30 seconds and i was in so much pain but i was laughing so hard too because i thought it was hilarious. thereafter, my game was terrible, as i couldn’t run straight and my eyesight was off.sooo maybe i have a concussion again because of how my eyesight/head hurts and how turning it hurts, etc… both my ankles are 80 to 100% done, and i think i’m about to lose another toenail.all the summer scars and turf burns are worth. i’m so glad.

last time playing ultimate in a junior ultimate team, ever again. 
mini nats aug 24th 2014. batfish team.
we won two games straight, and then the third one, we lost. i scored a lot and played well. 
during that third game, however, a girl hucked a disc right into my face. i d’ed a disc with my face, guys. and i heard janelle burst out into laughter for like 30 seconds and i was in so much pain but i was laughing so hard too because i thought it was hilarious. thereafter, my game was terrible, as i couldn’t run straight and my eyesight was off.

sooo maybe i have a concussion again because of how my eyesight/head hurts and how turning it hurts, etc… both my ankles are 80 to 100% done, and i think i’m about to lose another toenail.

all the summer scars and turf burns are worth. 
i’m so glad.

Ultimate was fun. Work was good. I smell so bad. Big Chef with Travis, Jade, and my mother. 

Shah’s making me work for Saturday. I RDO’d, and discussed with him twice about how I would work more for weekdays, and would need this weekend off. 

I guess that’s a huge good bye to half the day of my last fucking BC Junior Ultimate tournament ever, as well as to the UBC IB Party. 

Well, fuck.

Life is being good to me. I have wonderful friends, I love my best friends so much; I screamed, ran, and jumped Janelle the moment I saw her. I spent dinner with good company for almost every dinner of the summer. I am employed at two locations, and am in love with Ultimate and Orson Scott Card. I spend my days without worries; I don’t need to worry that someone is going to be mad at me for doing something they didn’t want me to do, because those people aren’t in my life, anymore. 

I feel like right now, I’m honestly living my life the way I want to, the way that makes me happy every day, and it’s chilling. It’s so hard to do it, but once you do, it’s wonderful.

Had Kevin and Linden over for a movie night. We watched Stitch the Movie, played with sparklers at Brighouse, and drank plenty. They’re so fucking weak with their alcohol. I thought I was a lightweight… but nope, Linden backed out pretty early, and Kevin threw up from being so done with the drinking games he and I were playing. Shhhhots are nice. Apparently had feelsy talks? The guys passed out first; I kept taking shots until I slept, and then we all woke up to watch Maleficent. Kevin was still in his sleeping bag while we watched, and Linden decided to ditch and nap in my bed because he has practice today, since Maleficent’s a pretty loud movie. 

I should have people over at my house more often. 

It was a good day. I did good things. I had a good time.

Full meal and granola bars for a homeless and mentally disabled man.
Free Cobs’ Bread courtesy of Kevin Chiu.
Breaking Bad reruns.
Stepho’s with Kevin and Linden.
PriceSmart for Strawberry Shortcake Sundae.
Dark Park for ice cream and good talks.

Life is good and fair and finally, finally, finally, I’m so happy.

If I have learned anything from William, it is that I can be a reasonable and strong person. He did not believe so at the end, and I am more okay about that, now. I only wish I could have been who I am right now to him when it counted.

People move on, of course, and we learn so much in that process. We rediscover who we are and we treasure our friendships. Sometimes, I think about killing myself. Sometimes, friends’ concerns just make me want to die. I know how people see me. It gives me pride to know how some look up to me. It boosts my ego, and for those fleeting moments, I become as ideal of a person as I wanted.

I wish people would stop talking about Linden and I. It gets so awkward. We’re just best friends. People suck.

Is it possible to be as good and strong of a person I want to be, while self harming? Do they detract from each other?

I find traces of every ex-boyfriend in my days, in the crevices and creaks of my home. I wonder, do I ever come up in their day? Do they ever think, as I have, that maybe they should say hello and let our lips guide the way? I want to thank them all. If I can get over one, or two, or three, or four, I can get over you. There are kinder people in the world who will treat them better, who I will see on the street and nod to, knowing that they are serving a purpose I once wanted.

"1. You know that phrase “it is better to have loved and to have lost than to have never loved at all?” Yeah, fuck that phrase. You fuck that phrase into the dirt along with “it’s not you it’s me.” and “you are a huge garden and I am merely a little bug.” You fuck that phrase into obscurity. It is better to have loved than to have lost than to have been stuck with that piece of shit, you hear me? And you guard your heart with a pair keys in your fist like brass knuckles. When young love comes knocking at your door, you pluck out one of its rose-tinted glass eyes. It’s already blind.
2. Before you type that long, mushy text, think about the ones you’ve received, put down the phone, and go shower, go write, go eat. Don’t pick it back up unless it’s to update your status to “Having a wonderful time.”
3. Adding “without you, motherfucker.” is optional.
4. Call your friends, your real friends. And this is how you tell if they’re your real friends or not; they tell you when your acting like a pitiful fuckwad over someone who does not give a shit about you and that you are more than a pitiful fuckwad. Then they hug you while you cry.
5. Don’t ever think that someone who is made idle by your tears is a friend. Crying in someone’s arms is probably the truest form of intimacy, and it’s the only form of intimacy you need when your brain and heart look like burnt scrambled eggs.
6. Don’t have sex with the friend. Don’t do it. You pull another heart into this. Don’t have sex with a stranger right away either, you will cry in your sleep. You will drink.
7. When they call, when they text, when they show up at your door with lilies or a “please.” This is what you do, you listen, you read, you stand in the the doorway. The world is still spinning, nothing they can say can crack pavement or bring the sun down to reignite the warmth in your chest you once felt for them. (And if you still feel that warmth, maybe you should consider what brought you to this point. Remember the pain. Remember the tears. Remember the good times, too. If they ever hit you in the past, empty a can of maze in their face or forward their call to the cops. If they cheated on you, use the aforementioned keys and key their car, key their door, key their motherfucking face, and please get tested.) If they abandoned you, tell them “I deserved better. I deserved more. My love is too extraordinary to be thrown back in my face.” Never take them back. There are over seven billion people in the world. Why, why, why would you go back to the one that doesn’t recognize how singular, how beyond infinite you are?
9. If you never dated them, move on. Get as far away as possible, let them chase you if they want. In the end, it’s their loss.
10. If you don’t learn to love yourself, you will always be chasing the ones who don’t love you.
11. Don’t believe their I love you’s until they prove it. Until they throw away your used tissues. Until they remind you to buckle up and take the phone out of your hand when you drive. Until they cry with you. Until they hear your fears and all the mistakes you made and still think you’re the shit. Tell them that, and if they protest, you have your truth right there.
12. Love, and I am talking about healthy love, is mutual compromise. You might take a bullet for them, but they are giving you the blood transfusion as soon as your ass gets to the hospital. And they are taking care of you. And they are yelling at you for not letting them take that bullet for you.
13. Never give parts of yourself to people who don’t give back, this is how you lose yourself.
14.”Forever” is probably the biggest lie ever told. Don’t trust someone who tells you “forever”, and don’t you dare tell someone “forever.” Forever isn’t your choice, forever isn’t your promise to make. If you want to be truthful, you tell them “for as long as we have.” And you make “for as long as we have” count.
15. Don’t ever say “you weren’t shit to me anyway.” or “I never cared about you.”
16. You were always shit to me, I always cared about you.
17. It took two bottles of NyQuil, one serious note, probably a hundred indirects, my friends threats to jump him\and or run her stank ass over, and so many crying sessions of biblical flood proportions to realize that the only satisfying and certain revenge is to do better. That’s it. I mean, still key their car and make those indirects but don’t forget, do better."

Break In Case of Breakup (17 Things on Young Love)

(Source: lohazepoetry, via thiswontend)

It is so refreshing to feel the immense care of someone; when someone knows immediately when something’s wrong, when someone clings to you as much as you cling to them, or when you know for sure that no matter what happens, they will never hurt you and leave you. The proof of this comes from how it has already happened several times- I’ve hurt you so much over things that had to be done, and given a couple hours, you always come back as my best friend. Most people would abandon me to lick their wounds and move on, but not you. You mean it to your heart that you will be here for me and that’s hard to do. It’s so rare for someone to actually say that and mean it.

My team, ohhh, my team!
Savaged first day of Regionals. Took only one sub, gotta let my ladies rest up so they don’t burn down.

Captains: Janelle and I. 

Ruthless 2014.

My team, ohhh, my team!
Savaged first day of Regionals. Took only one sub, gotta let my ladies rest up so they don’t burn down.

Captains: Janelle and I.

Ruthless 2014.

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